My Journal

I've figured out that my mind isnt as stable as it used to be... everyone thought that since i was having "Rage fits" that i was insane... News Flash!! You people made me this way! I have nothing wrong with me.. I am part of the few humans that has evolved.. we know were better it might not be by much or it could be by a lot but who knows.. My so called "rage fits" were just examples of my pure determination mixed with complete frustration of how the human race ,who is suppose to be the smartest of all races, cant comprehend that when im in a bad mood dont push it or dont put me in a bad mood or fat people saying its not their fault theyre over weight its a disease they have a problem... yea an eating problem... a couple little facts for you tubbys FAST FOOD IS NO GOOD FOR YOU, SODA IS NO GOOD FOR YOU, SUGAR IS NO GOOD FOR YOU, EAT FRESH VEGETABLES AND FRUITS, DONT EAT AS MUCH..... Our "complex" superior mind is suppose to figure shit out after awhile why cant they figure the simple shit out... for gods sakes everyone knows it but they dont APPLY it!
I like being crazy! you have more power.. not many fuck with you and when they do you can take care of it with your controlled chaos of your mind and body. when your crazy you may loose people but you gain crazy friends you can relate too and band up with.
i'm through with this entry

Current Location: hell
Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: manson

Most of the time when people think of me the adjectives that pop up in their heads are wierd or asshole. Who says whats nice or whats normal. Sure it sounds corny but for the most part i'd like to think that i try the best i can to base my life on what my religon tells me to[I'm a christian by the way]. Sure i sin every now and then but who doesn't. I dont remember reading the whole bible but im pretty sure it doesnt say dont be an asshole and dont be wierd. I'm pretty much fed up with trying to make people happy or them to think good of me because for the last i dont know how many years i've been trying to make everybody happy and think good of me, but i think im done. It is 100% impossible to make everyone like you. No matter what i do it seems like the majority of the world looks down upon me. I have enough close friends and not so close friends that seem to like me for who i am and not what i try to be. Sure ill be nice and proper when the need be but when it doesnt matter. who gives a flying fuck. Your not going to like me anyways so why should i waste my energy trying to make you happy when i can make someone else that matters happy. This doesnt mean if im an asshole to you i dont like you. That is just me sometimes. Being an asshole is fun for the most part and for some reason a lot of people give you respect when you dont take the shit anymore and you deal it out. Im nice to a lot of people and im mean to a lot of people. Most of the time ill be nice to someone if i dont know them but if i dont like the way the look sometimes ill be a dick just for the hell of it. I know your thinking now what an asshole right{UMMM welcome to the conversation}. Soooo anyways the moral of the story is basically if you want respect you have to give respect and not just expect it because your better then someone or society says its how its suppose to go because people like me are just going to go even more insane..

That leads on to the next thing i want to rant about. Who says whats right or wrong and what you should do and what you shouldnt do. It's all a bunch of politics and majority. For example the tobacco industry wants you to use tobacco so they can get money but the government doesnt because its bad for your health. If it was up to me i would ban tobacco all together and i would like to think the government shares this idea ,but this leads to the majority. There are too many people in this country that either think that tobacco isnt bad for you, are addicted to it, or just dont give a shit to stop the tobacco industries. So hence tobacco is still present. This idea applies to many thing in the USA but what are you going to do right? My idea is ill get stinking rich buy all the industries i want put out of business have them for a year make all the money they make in a year then BAM! shut them all down. Ill have tons of money and the world would be a better place. I feel that tobacco, fast food, liqour, and shit that hinders your health majorly should eat shit and die. This may be because im a health nut but its my idea so if you dont like it i dont want to hear your shit, mmmk pumpkin =) ? Anyways i just had to get this off my chest you want to comment it, comment it, if not, then dont, its that simple.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: sore
Current Music: 3 days grace

Today sucked. I got really sick last night and it carried over to today. Last night i was on my computer and i got really light headed, nauseas, and my eye lids got really heavy. I was just sitting at my computer for a little bit but then i had to puke so i ran/stumbled to the bathroom and i threw up blood and then all i remember is my mom saying get off the floor that isn't going to help it and i open my eyes and I'm laying on the tub so i stumble into my room and collapse on the floor and then my mom helps me on the bed and gave me aspirin. I had the worst headache imaginable and my stomach felt like it was going to explode. This morning i had a killer headache and my stomach was bothering me, i could barely get two words out of my mouth and when i did they were slurred. I had PE in the morning so it didn't help. After PE i started throwing up more blood in the locker bathroom. My head didn't hurt that much after break but my stomach hurt and still hurts really bad. I think i am getting better though so i don't know.

Tomorrow we are headed to Arizona. We Are going to go get my Grandpa and Grandma, my truck , see the grand canyon, and visit family. We will be there until Tuesday. My birthday is on Sunday so i wont get to celebrate it at home. The super bowl is on the day of my birthday. It is going to be the bears vs the colts. I think the bears will win.

Ive been thinking and i think i have been judging people to much for what they are doing and i think its making things complicated or maybe they are really just that complicated. I guess if life wasn't so complicated it wouldn't be as interesting. I wish i knew the answers to all peoples problems so i could help them but i don't know all details that would be needed to solve them. Maybe i should just not try to help anymore and let people solve their own problems but thats just not the kind of man i am.

Sometimes i just want to give up with everything and just find a good corner to be in for the rest of my life. It makes me wonder how people would be affected if i died or just left. Everyone that knows me or knows of me would be affected in some way, insignificant or not they would be affected. Some more than others. Would life be better for some people if i was out of their lives and would life be worse for some if i was gone, who knows? Do i really make that much of a difference in this world and how long would it take for people to get over the fact that i died or disappeared? I know what you are thinking oh wah I'm such a whiner but i could give a shit I'm just putting my thoughts out there so take them as they come.

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: sick
Current Music: Pink floyd

I just felt like i was in the mood for a livjournal entry so here we go. Im in Tahoe with tyler and his family, wich are my second family. We got in last night. Its been pretty fun besides the shitty food and boring times in the hotel. Applebee's poisoned us so i feel like crap. The mountain closed 4 hours before the time we were told it would close so we were disapointed about that. My headaches have been coming back and its not a good thing.
Ive been using music to get me through my day either through me running it through my head, MP3 player or the laptop. I have felt really different the last couple of days, Ive been doubting things and doubting myself. Ive started praying everychance i get not just to pray but to help me get through and maybe my prayers will get answered. On a lighter note I didnt do half bad snowboarding today. I only fell a couple of times and they were mostly Tylers fault.
I just feel really wierd like people arent accepting me or they have changed their minds about me. Ive been slowly letting my real self out to other people and it seems they like the fake me instead and i wouldnt blame them because the fake me was just me being how everyone wanted me to be. Im just at lost for what to write because its hard to get emotions out in writing but i cant seem to do it verbally so this is the nearest i can get to releasing my emotions to the world.
Ive started to take school more seriously. Ive done all my homework since the start of the semester and ive actually listened to everything my teachers have had to say even if i allready know it. I have been sucking up to my teachers so it will be easier to get a good grade in their class and if im struggiling they will be more motivated to help me instead of fuck me over like my math teacher did.
Im confused on what course i want to take in my life becuase a simple, relax life is looking good, but ive never been a really simple guy and most of the time not relaxed. I want the money of a celebrity without the popularity. I want the money and time to do fun stuff like snowboarding, riding up the dunes, surfing, and playing paintball, but that stuff takes money and im part of a lower middle class family and money just doesnt come by, by sitting on your ass.
JOB HUNTING
My 16th birthday is in like 8 days so it will be alot easier to get a job. I think i want a job at one of the places down the street from my house so i can save money on gas and just walk to work but if i can get better money somewhere else i spose i should take the job.
For my birthday i am going to be in arizona visiting family and getting my truck. All i really want for my birthday is a german shepeard and to see my family and friends in a situation were we arent busy or rushing anywhere. We could just sit down and hang out but im pretty sure i wont get either of those.
I guess i should stop writing before i get to sad.

Current Location: Tahoe in a hotel
Current Music: Loud stuff

Today was Racquel's birthday party bbq thing. It was fun, we watched football and i lost 2 bucks in a bet. This morning i was told by my mom that i have been offered by my Aunt Carrol a Ford F150 truck for $5k. 100k miles and its a 1998, i believe. I can pay it off whenever i get the money, no rush. The thing is that i have a hate for Fords(the mustang is exempt from that). Im going to take the truck anyways because I need a vehicle that runs and a truck would be nice. I also think that my hate for Fords was just something i did mostly to fit in and when i got older i started kinda researching and got facts to back up my hate. Those facts probable would have never made me hate ford it was just that they added on to the bases of the allready false hate I had, i guess you could say. Well im thinking that the hate for fords is just another part of my childish side i need to get rid of. Ill most likely hate fords untill they give me a reason not to, but im not going to let that hate stand in the way of me getting a vehicle i need. I figure that after i get a job and pay off the truck i could either keep the truck for a side vehicle and buy another car that i would enjoy more or just trade the truck in or sell it.

Another problem is i cant find a job that works around me schedule of school and football. So it would take me "forever" to pay it off and thats not counting the insuraunce, gas, repairs, and etc. etc. One of the main problems im having with finding a job is my age. Most people want employees 16 or older, or for the better jobs 18 or older. I am only 15 until Feb. 4th of this year, so i might be able to get a decent job in a couple of months or less, but i dont know. This is one of the times i wish i was older but yet im still confused about most things going on right now. Its like everything i knew just suddenly changed and all the things i thought i knew i dont. Its wierd I dont really know how to explain it. I have so much more to say but i dont know if i should say it or really how to express my feelings so i wont even try.

I feel like my life is a lie, everything i do is fake and not really me but what people want me to be. It seems like im trying to live up to everyones expectations of what i should be instead of what i want to be. Im starting to question who i am instead of what people think i am. If i just suddenely change though and come out with the truths of what some things i have said my friends would either stop talking to me, view me differently, and i would lose everyones trust. I feel like i have no one to talk to and the people i do talk to just judge me and put me down without even intentionally doing so, but its just in most peoples nature. Im just a hopeless teen trying to make it in the world and to be accepted by all but failing miserably.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: 3 doors down- the road im on

Today was pretty eventfull. I was woken up at 1 pm by my bro richard and i guess it was a good thing because i would have slept in longer if he didnt wake me up. We went to go get a chevy lumina that someone gave him and also to get the geo spectrum out of the back of our grandfathers office.It was racquels birthday so the immediate family(dad mom ricky racquel and I) went to Red Lobsters for her birthday, but the situation was that today was also heathers suprise birthday party at richard and tabatha's. Of course I was going to stay for racquels birthday dinner because my family is the most important thing in my life, but we didnt even leave for the resturaunt until 6:30 and thats when the party started i was fine for that because i could have made part of the party. The wait at the resturaunt was 45-60 mins. Racquel was ok with me going to the party instead of the dinner and i made sure it was ok with her. She said that the fact that i was willing to stay was good enough for her so i promised her i would bake her a cake of her choice and left for the party.
This whole day i was thinking on what anybody who read my last post would think about it and how they would respond. Im glad that some people actually read and i got some good responses. Thank you for all who read and all who responded it meant more than you could know. Im sorry for all alduts that took what i said about most adults being ignorant, but thats what i believe and i also believe that i will be considered ignorant compared to my kids, its just how things are.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: HInder

Today was pretty eventfull. I was woken up at 1 pm by my bro richard and i guess it was a good thing because i would have slept in longer if he didnt wake me up. We went to go get a chevy lumina that someone gave him and also to get the geo spectrum out of the back of our grandfathers office.It was racquels birthday so the immediate family(dad mom ricky racquel and I) went to Red Lobsters for her birthday, but the situation was that today was also heathers suprise birthday party at richard and tabatha's. Of course I was going to stay for racquels birthday dinner because my family is the most important thing in my life, but we didnt even leave for the resturaunt until 6:30 and thats when the party started i was fine for that because i could have made part of the party. The wait at the resturaunt was 45-60 mins. Racquel was ok with me going to the party instead of the dinner and i made sure it was ok with her. She said that the fact that i was willing to stay was good enough for her so i promised her i would bake her a cake of her choice and left for the party.
This whole day i was thinking on what anybody who read my last post would think about it and how they would respond. Im glad that some people actually read and i got some good responses. Thank you for all who read and all who responded it meant more than you could know. Im sorry for all alduts that took what i said about most adults being ignorant, but thats what i believe and i also believe that i will be considered ignorant compared to my kids, its just how things are.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: HInder

Today was SSDD(same shit different day)... you know what i guess i cant say that. I made snickerdoodles for natalie, brought them over to her house, and hung out for awhile with natalie, heather,and nicole. I cant find my wallet and it had alot of stuff in it; gift cards, money, id, insuraunce card, blah blah blah. I want to get a therapist but everytime i sugest it to my mom she thinks im joking. I want someone i can talk to that can maybe help me with my problems instead of giving me advice about there past and whats happened with them. Idk if a therapist would help but it seems like the best thing right now. There is also the problem about money but maybe i can get insuarance to pay for it if i even have any. I think im losing my grip on who i am and what ive lived for. Things that used to mean the world to me now are just like whatever its cool. I dont know if this is about girl trouble, my self consciousness, or whatever it may be. I feel on the verge of a mental breakdown. This may be a cry for atention, even though nobody ever reads this but maybe geni and i understand if she doesnt, so im basicaly talking to myself and if maybe somewhere someone will see this. I dont know what i need or if i even need anything. I think my problem is i think on things to much. For instance, I thought i wished i was older today and almost everyday since i met natalie(o my gosh i said her name, like everyone doesnt allready know), but when i got thinking on it if i was 18-20 right now i would be missing so many years of my life that i could never get back and people say these are the best years of our lives but if these are the best i hate to see the worst. If i was older I MIGHT have a better chance at getting with Natalie, people MIGHT treat me as an adult instead of a little kid, and people MIGHT give me the respect i need and deserve , but as the rolling stones say "You cant allways get what you want".
My dream in life was to become a linemen for the San fransico 49ers NFL team, but now that i think on it i just want a simple life with a nice family a couple of dogs and maybe own a mom and pop resturaunt or business and have no worries. If you are still reading this you are a true friend or you think its intresting. I dont judge if you think its intresting at least somebody could get a kick out of my life. I allways talk about how i hate fake people and how people lie, but it makes me a hypocrite. I tell everyone i wouldnt change for anyone and i wouldnt use anyone, but in all reality i change for everyone to make everyone like me or fear me and i use everyone not intentionally but life is like a game of chess for me. You got your pawns the people that you can use to your advantage but you could care less if they go off and die, and you got your rooks and knights they could be very powerfull so you dont put them in danger unless its sacrificed for the greater good and your bishops they can be more powerfull than the rooks and knights if you use them right. Then the all powerfull bitch herself the queen, the most powerful piece on the board its a rook and a bishop combined, that is probable the person you use the most, and the king is you weak all by urself but yet if u take out all the other pieces u cant lose but u cant win. I bet every person that reads this can place a person or even multiple people in those positions, but yet this world is full of judging and hypocritasisam(i dont care if i spelled that right or not).
This is the all so famous part of the literacey piece about religon. I am a full hearted christian and you couldnt change my beliefs if you had a gun to my head. Im not the typical christian though. My belief is basically that this world is corrupt and it doesnt even know it. Christ is spose to be coming back and saving us from the apocalypse from what i understand ,but with the way our world is now, if someone comes up and says they are the rencarnation of jesus christ they would be labeled mentally insane and sent to a mental institute and never heard from again. Then the whole world is screwed.
This is the rebelious part of this writing. I truley think the majority of the teenage population is smarter than the majority of the adult population. You can disagree with me if you must but hear me out. The classes i took in junior high and thought were easy my parents didnt take until college and they struggled with helping me with a simple part. Not calling adults stupid ,but maybe just ignorant. Also adults have been taught all their lives that certain things can ONLY do certain stuff and thats it and that some things are impossible. I think i heard this quote from a movie or something but just because you dont know how to do something or dont think it can be done, doesnt make it impossible. For all we know rabit piss and honey is the cure for cancer, because maybe all those certain chemicals inside the urine and honey combined does something nobody knew could happen but would only happen when all those exact ingrediants from the urine and honey are combined, but no that couldnt be it because come on everyone knows thats impossible. I know the cure for cancer probable isnt rabbit urine and honey ,but how does anyone know and maybe its something as simple as that but no its impossible. One of the things you should allways believe that nothing is impossible, its just that nobody knows how to do it yet and you never know you could be the first one to know.
I have been typing this for ruffly 50 minutes and all because of one specific person inspired me to think like ive never thought before and act like ive never acted before. That my friend is called amazing, but the one you love and the one that loves you are most likely two diferent people. Inspiration is what makes things and people great and i truley believe that women are the majority of inspiration to men. Behind every great king there is a great queen. To that women i salute you. I guess ill leave on that note and if you finished it bravo you might think more like me and probable use my knowledge to your advantage or even correct my errors. Im going to make this public so maybe if somebody reads this and relates top it i can finaly have an inteligant conversation and if you made it to the end let me know, its nice to know people can finish something they started

Current Location: home
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Rock